what a deal.

i found this in my local paper today.



here are some things i think they should offer for a second armpit,

- maybe a little trim
- wash and set
- 80s style asymmetrical one sleeved shirt
- a comb
- glitter gel

it's because i put up my christmas tree last night.

at 9:30 this morning there was no snow on my lawn.
this photo was taken at about 2:30 in the afternoon.

things i found notable in the 90s #2

the recently excavated journal has revealed more secrets about 90s me,
in the 90s i only made note of the most promising prospects of men. okay, some were roommates so they didn't count, but by surrounding myself with such eligible, scholarly, man-boys, definitely that would attract more of the same. oh i would bag myself a gooder! but, alas, it was not to be.
among my other regrets, i remember ol' metal man in the corner at the 24hr breakfast restaurant, so gravelly faced, so 3 a.m., so refined. *sigh* why didn't i make a move? i'm pretty sure i'd be on world tour right now. i'm also pretty sure he was there with axl rose, how could he not be successful in life?
fortunately my life took a different turn and i opted for a man surely not as glamorous or 3 a.m., but he's a gooder.

quote of the day

"elementary school is kind of like living in a cartoon, because,well,.....some kids wear the same shirt for a really long time"

my son,

who aside from his aspirations
of becoming a "before"model,
is obviously a very deep
thinker.

the week of the rebelling face.

a week ago i was happily, briskly walking along to get my son from school, my right jacket pocket brimming over with loose wonka runt candies, all was good with the world! until,that is, i threw a handful of runts in my mouth and started crushing them with my teeth, which if i do say so myself, have always been quite skilled candy crushers. one stubborn little rat bastard strawberry runt resisted the crush! not willing to lose the battle i gave it my all,
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
yup, broken tooth.

luckily my dentist was able to fix it with just a filling, unluckily she had to freeze it a million times. the after effect of this was all the freezing pooling at my jaw and creating a dudley do right, kurt russel-y kind of thing.

*sigh* a couple of days later i woke up with the angriest, ugliest sty in the history of the world. the swelling in my jaw and the swelling in my eye didn't quite meet, so in a frantic effort to unite the two i grew a big ol' zit.

the lovely thing about this is that now that the swelling is nearly gone and my eye is almost healed, i feel like a fricken' super model!

who's the shit?

Surly’s the shit!!!

because, in case you didn’t know, surly makes magic ceramic pendants,

“La la la, here I am being average, blending in and not addressing my rock star, super hero tendencies “

*throws on magic surly necklace*

KAPOW! super, holy moly rock and rolly, hot chick, super hero , ready to go fight crime in the big city!

“OUTTA MY WAY BITCHES!”

I mean, really, what more do you need to know than that?

if you need to know more here’s a couple more surly links for your surly enjoyment,

surly.etsy.com

surlyramics.com

SurlyArt.etsy.com

five fluffy questions for surly amy


1) if you could have one tool/object implanted inspector gadget style, what would it be?
(*giggles at the possibilities*)

I would have a telescope eye implant, so I could spy on far away planets and the strange people in my neighborhood. I live in Hollywood and trust me the people here are MUCH more interesting from a distance.



2) first thing you do when you get up in the morning?
(excluding the morning pee)

The VERY first thing I do is try to fondle Surly Johnny (if I can catch him...he's pretty fast.) then I grab a big ol cup of delicious coffee...(as with most creative types I am a caffeine junky.)


3) favorite visible injury story?
(real or fake,i always like to work ninjas into my injury stories)

Well, I have a scar near my left eye from when I got hit in the face and almost blinded with a surfboard while drinking a beer in a swimming pool... Damn Ninjas and their pool parties.


4) if you could plant a candy tree in your yard, what would it grow?

I would grow bite size snicker bars...AND at least 20 flavors of rainbow jelly bellies....awww wouldn't that be beautiful AND delicious!!!


5) if you had a chance to see any band/act that you will never be able to see, who would it be?

Oh man, my only musical regret is that I didn't get to see The Clash play live. I saw Joe Strummer play solo once and it was great but The Clash would have been so awesome.. and can I also say that I have a big crush on the late great Frank Sinatra. Seeing Sinatra in his prime would have been really cool as well. I guess what Im saying is I really dig a man in a suit...Im gonna go try and catch Surly Johnny. ;)

things i found notable in the 90's #1

i swear one day i am going to blog about something deep and profound, but that's not going to happen today.


the other day i found and old sketchbook/journal from the 90s, as i flipped through it one question kept popping into my head,

how did i come out of the 90s not weighing 400 lbs?

cans of pop used to scream at me a lot. i don't really recall this happening, but i documented it countless times, so it must have happened. i can only assume these desperate beverages were consumed by me to put and end to their relentless wailing. there was also numerous mentions of slurpees and iced tea, these refreshments were not nearly as vocal.

that's just the liquids, i also found clues as to what 1990s me might have eaten.

apparently, though my memory is foggy, we had no access to vegetables, fruit or fresh food of any kind. with the exception of taters, which we consumed both in the form of flakes and gems. it sounds pretty futuristic for the 90s i know, but it's true, we ate gems!




we also, according to my journal,
used to watch television on the microwave.

ah ha ha ha

okay, i know i haven't blogged in a while but this is just too funny to pass up.

this past sunday i was in my living room when i noticed movement out in my yard. i got up to take a look through the window and instantly recognized the people beside my step as the jehovahs that come by nearly every weekend. we have a long standing agreement,' feel free to drop literature in the mailbox, don't ring my doorbell'. they were standing staring in my garden, right now all that is in my garden is snow and leaves so i found it odd that they stared so long. after they left i went outside to take a look and saw this.
don't be scared! this summer when i was painting, watercolor style, with red wine (i like to call it winocolor) i wanted to leave the wine to thicken up a bit, i left it out on my front step so i wouldn't be fighting fruit flies inside my house. my son accidentally kicked it into the garden one day, i guess i just forgot to go and retrieve it.
i had a bit of a laugh wondering what they might have been saying to each other out there and carried on with my day. i knew the magazine was in the mailbox, but didn't bother to grab it right then.
this moring when i went to get the regular mail, here is what i found underneath all the bills and junk mail, FOUR OF THEM! do you think that they are trying to send me a message?

who's the shit?

Artbyrodriguez is the shit!

krispy kreme
glazed yeast donut
calories:200
fat: 12 gms
carbs: 22 gms
sugars: 10 gms
sodium: 95 mgs

I have found the healthy alternative!

i have become a little obsessed with bev’s pastry paintings. I have concocted a scene in my head of my dream kitchen, with a wall of her donut paintings, and every morning walking into said fictional kitchen, looking at the wall and saying out loud,

“NOM NOM NOM”

my son stumbling in and saying,
“good morning.”

me pointing at my wall of donuts and saying ,
“NOM NOM NOM”

i could go on, but you get the picture.

bev has lots of tasty canvases and mini paintings in her shop, cakes, cookies, candies, pomeranians with cupcakes ( I could not find the nutritional values of pomeranians on the internet) and of course, donuts.

five fluffy questions for artbyrodriguez

1) what condiment should be a staple on restaurant tables, but never is?

(oh, i hope she says donuts!)

Every restaurant table should have a bowl of icing on the table, then I can dip my bread sticks in it. I really do have a sweet tooth!

2) favorite movie?
(your real favorite movie, not the one you tell everyone is your favorite movie)

My favorite movie (and this is the truth) is GREASE. I love this movie and especially, John Travolta when he was young and skinny. (Aren't donuts cooked in grease?)

3) do you eat a lot of donuts?
*leans forward, rests chin on thumb, presses pointer finger across lips, listens intently*

Don't open my freezer because there will be an avalanche of donuts. I can't keep up with them, so I freeze them. My husband complains there is no room for other things.

4) act you'd most like to see live?
(band, comedian, psychic, infomercial guy, it doesn't matter)

The act I'd love to see live has got to be Elvis. Any sightings lately? I bet Elvis ate donut sandwiches!

5) have you ever taken a sip of your paint brush water?
(by accident of course....or on purpose )

My paintbrush water is very tempting. Sometimes it's bright red or blue or pink. Since you mentioned it, maybe I will just dunk my donut......

thanks bev :)

my thanksgiving

you could count the turkeys i’ve cooked on a shop teachers right hand, they’ve all turned out okay. that’s what i’ve been told anyway.

being a vegetarian i get mildly creeped out at the thought of emptying a bird of all of its luggage and accessories. luckily, I have always had some sort of turkey veteran around to tackle that unsavoury task for me. *sigh* i was not so lucky this thanksgiving,

when i unwrapped the turkey, which i thought had more than sufficient thawing time, i noticed a little pile of frosty ice nestled in the little space formed by the crossing of the legs. i poked at it all over, everything seemed thawed, i carried on. I spotted the bag of innards without having to look for it, which is good because the only thing worse than innards, is having to dig for innards.

“okay, there has to be a neck in here somewhere” i thought, i found a penisy bone sticking out the same cavity I had pulled the organ loot bag out of, rolled up my sleeve and gave it a yank. It wasn’t budging. Well the bone wasn’t moving the meat was movin’ all over the place, yup, pretty gross. I filled the sink with water, left the bird to swim and called my brother, who i’m sure roasts turkeys for breakfast.

“my bird isn’t thawed, i can’t get the neck out”

“oh, you’ll have to fill the sink with water and put it in there, it won’t take long.”

I was ahead of the game on that so we continued to talk. i could hear the ice rattling in his drink during pauses in the conversation. that’s what i need! i poured myself a stiff one and we talked a while longer and came up with a few ideas which included, taking the turkey into the bathroom and blasting any openings with the shower on full force, i briefly considered that but was worried about where the turkey might land if i lost my grip. I also had a very unsettling mental image of splash back. I decided brute force was the only option.

“alright, I’m going to knock back this drink and then i’m going back in!” I declared.

I did just that. it still wasn’t budging and it was still giving me the heebie jeebies to try.
i poured another drink and assessed the situation.

the cumulative effect of rum is clarity .

turns out the turkey, not frozen, the end I had pulled the gut bag out of ,not the ass end, and the bone I was trying to pull out, not the neck. what i had actually been trying to do all afternoon was pull the carcass out . i think at one point, had i not lost the feeling in my arm, i was a second away from pulling that sucker completely inside out.

the turkey went in the oven a little late. The family had cupcakes for dinner and turkey with all the trimmings for dessert.

I would like to thank captain morgan for being by my side during this traumatic experience.

check me out, i'm georgia o'keefe.

a little while ago, as every stay at home mom eventually does, i went through an all consuming rubber chicken phase. I drew and painted rubber chickens relentlessly for days. Make dinner,draw a rubber chicken, have a shower, paint a rubber chicken, mow the lawn, draw a rubber chicken, sometimes, paint a rubber chicken, paint another rubber chicken.sometimes i would spend an hour on a rubber chicken, others i would fire out in a couple minutes. I know it’s something we all have to experience but, I feel I went through it a little stronger than most(oooh, I just got a new rubber chicken idea while i was writing this!) anyway, somewhere in my rubber chicken fervour i inadvertently ended up painting this little gem,





i kind of look at it in the vein of the thousand monkeys theory,if you sit and paint/draw infinite rubber chickens, eventually one is going to look like a vagina.
alternatively, perhaps i'm a lesbian
and i didn't even know it.


....OR! maybe i was supposed to be a clown!

who's the shit?

loopyboopy's the shit!

and i will personally take on anyone who would say otherwise. oh ya, that's right, i'll go ya!
colleen's sculptures were the first that i found instantly recognizable on etsy.com ,
if you look at it and think,
"well lookie here, i don't know if i want to knock it's head off before it attacks me, or give it a bowl of soup and a toasty, warm blanket fresh out of the dryer."
then it's a loopyboopy.

I will most definitely feature loopyboopy again when my blog becomes wildly popular and gets a million hits a day because,

1) it’s my blog and I can do that if I want

B) colleen is constantly tweaking the nuances of her characters so there are always new things to see. It’s like a new shop all the time, yet always distinctly colleen.

five fluffy questions for loopyboopy

1-food guilty pleasure
(you know, the one you would rather not admit to):
A big ol plate of greasy salami and crackers that I make for myself in the evening after everyone has gone to bed. It just tastes best when I'm alone.

2-drink of choice
(don't tell me water): Well, since I can't say water..yeah right:) This really depends on the time of day. Of course that big cup of steamy coffee in the morning would be high on the list. In the evening, depending on the type of day I've had either a Corona beer or a stiff Crown Royal and Coke.

3-favorite "all in the family" character
(Gee, our old LaSalle ran great.): Yikes, this one will date ya hah? Since I was just a wee one when this show was on I remember liking Sally struthers big bouncy hair and tits, hoping I would one day grow up to be so big and beautiful.

**in my defense, all in the family was on in the background when i was writing these questions. i am actually very young, sparkly eyed and bouncy, a young sally struthers one might say.

4-favorite website
(not etsy): oohh I have many, but this is my current favorite.
http://www.strangedolls.net/index.html

5-favorite concert ever
(stadium, community hall, pub, garage, doesn't matter): This is easy. Black Flag, at this underground club in Detroit called the Hungry Brain. I remember Henry Rollins climbed on top of the stack of speakers that was all tall as the building itself and jumped into the crowd..what a man!!

thanks colleen :)

super famey party girls

before i discovered etsy i was really wanting to develop a comic strip. my plan was to work harder than i had ever worked before on a project of my own. ultimately, when i had enough material i would stick it in a drawer and move on to something else that would make me laugh and never make me any money.
my first instinct was to do one about my my mother-in-law, who was living with us at the time. i had it all sketched out with her in her giant kitty cat sweat shirt and little stick legs and me in my super styley evening gown and jessica rabbit figure. then my husband told me i wasn't allowed to draw pictures of his mom, so i had to find a different subject.
at the time i was finding much hilarity in the whole' famous for nothing, party girl scene' . girls who were famous for being rich and flashing their naughty bits while climbing out of limos. apparently great wealth can be achieved by not spending money on underwear. what came of this was the beginning of 'super famey party girls'.

until i figure out what i'm doing here i will probably just fill space with random things like this. stay tuned, because in the next couple of days i will be posting about the 'accidental vagina/rubber chicken'.