you could count the turkeys i’ve cooked on a shop teachers right hand, they’ve all turned out okay. that’s what i’ve been told anyway.
being a vegetarian i get mildly creeped out at the thought of emptying a bird of all of its luggage and accessories. luckily, I have always had some sort of turkey veteran around to tackle that unsavoury task for me. *sigh* i was not so lucky this thanksgiving,
when i unwrapped the turkey, which i thought had more than sufficient thawing time, i noticed a little pile of frosty ice nestled in the little space formed by the crossing of the legs. i poked at it all over, everything seemed thawed, i carried on. I spotted the bag of innards without having to look for it, which is good because the only thing worse than innards, is having to dig for innards.
“okay, there has to be a neck in here somewhere” i thought, i found a penisy bone sticking out the same cavity I had pulled the organ loot bag out of, rolled up my sleeve and gave it a yank. It wasn’t budging. Well the bone wasn’t moving the meat was movin’ all over the place, yup, pretty gross. I filled the sink with water, left the bird to swim and called my brother, who i’m sure roasts turkeys for breakfast.
“oh, you’ll have to fill the sink with water and put it in there, it won’t take long.”
I was ahead of the game on that so we continued to talk. i could hear the ice rattling in his drink during pauses in the conversation. that’s what i need! i poured myself a stiff one and we talked a while longer and came up with a few ideas which included, taking the turkey into the bathroom and blasting any openings with the shower on full force, i briefly considered that but was worried about where the turkey might land if i lost my grip. I also had a very unsettling mental image of splash back. I decided brute force was the only option.
“alright, I’m going to knock back this drink and then i’m going back in!” I declared.
I did just that. it still wasn’t budging and it was still giving me the heebie jeebies to try.
i poured another drink and assessed the situation.
the cumulative effect of rum is clarity .
turns out the turkey, not frozen, the end I had pulled the gut bag out of ,not the ass end, and the bone I was trying to pull out, not the neck. what i had actually been trying to do all afternoon was pull the carcass out . i think at one point, had i not lost the feeling in my arm, i was a second away from pulling that sucker completely inside out.
the turkey went in the oven a little late. The family had cupcakes for dinner and turkey with all the trimmings for dessert.
I would like to thank captain morgan for being by my side during this traumatic experience.